English Jokes





Witz der




Keep your face to the sun

and the shadows

 will fall behind you.

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Two Irishmen bought two horses. Both the horses were very similar in appearance. So Pat said to Mike:

"How shall we tell which horse is whose?"

"I tell you what," said Mike, "we'll bob the tail of one of them."

But by a mistake the tails of both horses were bobbed, so they were still in the same predicament.

"I know the answer," said Pat. "You take the white one and I'll have the black one."

Teacher: Kevin, why are you late yet again?

Kevin:     Oh, sir, I stopped two boys fighting.

Teacher:  How did you manage that?

Kevin:      I've beaten both of them up.

Jim:   "I'm glad I wasn't born in France."

Jack:  "Why?"

Jim:   "I can't speak French."

Mike: "Would you like to play with our new dog?"

Sam:  "He looks very fierce. Does he bite?"

Mike: "That's what I want to find out."

A  man went into a pet shop to buy a parrot. He was shown an especially fine one which he liked to look of, but he was puzzled by the two strings which were tied on its feet.

"What are they for?" he asked the pet shop manager.

"Ah, well, sir," came the reply, "that's a very unusual feature of this particular parrot. You see, he's a trained parrot, sir - used to be in a circus. If you pull the string on his left foot, he says Hello!, and if you pull the string on his right foot he says Goodbye!"

"And what happens if I pull both the strings at the same time?"

"I fall from my perch, you fool!" screeched the parrot.

Jack:      Who went into a lion's den and came out alive?

Joe:        Daniel. - And who went into a tiger's den and came out alive?

Jack:      I don't know.

Joe:       The tiger.

John:    That's a fierce looking Alsatian you've got there. I bet he is a  good watchdog.

Kevin:   All he watches is television.

Two birds were sitting on the branch of a tree not far from a vast airport. Suddenly the calm of the summer's afternoon was broken by the roar of a jet plane screaming through the sky.

As the sounderous noise died away, one bird turned to the other and said:

"I bet you would go as fast if your tail was on fire."

A schoolboy came home with a pain in his stomach.

“Well, sit down and eat your lunch,” said his mother. “Your stomach is hurting because it is empty. It will be all right when you have got something in it.”

Shortly afterwards Dad came in from the office, complaining of a headache.

“That’s because your head is empty,” said his son, “You would be all right if you had something in it.”

Jim: "I've taken up horse-riding."

Joe: "How have you been getting on?"

Jim: "I've been taking a running jump."

Joe: "Is your horse a good one?"

Jim: "Yes, I suppose so, but he is much too polite."

Joe: "Polite? A horse?"

Jim: "Yes. Every time we approach a jump, he lets me go first."

Doctor: "Well, I've given you a thorough check-up and there's not much wrong with you other than lack of exercise. What you must do is to take a brisk walk every day of not less than three miles."

Patient: "Oh, I'll get terribly dizzy if I do that, doctor."

Doctor: "Why on earth should you get dizzy walking?"

Patient: "I'm a lighthouse-keeper." 

A man went in a tailor's shop and saw a man hanging by one arm from the centre of the ceiling.

"What's he doing there?" he asked the tailor.

"Oh, don't pay attention to him," said the tailor, "he thinks he is a lamp."

"Well, why don't you tell him he isn't?" asked the startled customer.

"What?" replied the tailor. "And I'll be working in the dark?"

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